Like many of you I grew up believing that all was peace and joy at Santa’s workshop at the North Pole. The elves joyfully helped Santa with his toy making and other chores throughout the year. Recently, however, I have heard that not all is well with Santa’s workforce.
Three elves have been giving him a great deal of aggravation this year. It seems Harry, Barry and John can’t get their act together. Santa is very meticulous in his record keeping, planning, budgeting and checking who is naughty and nice. And would you believe Santa operates under a budget, a very large budget to be sure, but not unlimited. That is one reason why his troublesome elves are such a worry.
Harry can’t seem to get the stocking stuffing right and despite Santa’s repeated instruction, Harry insists on stuffing the stockings so full, the weight pulls the mantle down. As if that wasn’t bad enough, Barry the elf thinks every boy and girl should have the same size stocking with exactly the same amount of goodies filling it. Barry wants Santa to get rid of the list he checks so carefully. John on the other hand is rather free with the coal from time to time. Santa asked John to mentor Harry and Barry, but he did a lousy job and next Christmas Santa will need a new supervising elf.
Santa’s once sanguine workshop is also the site of growing discontent among many of the worker elves. It seems there is no way to please them and after all these centuries protests are growing. A group of especially disgruntled elves tried to occupy the reindeer shed, but were evicted after they made more of a mess than Donner and Blitzen. Another group wants Santa to stop using candles that pollute the workshop, still another wants him to find a way to stop reindeer poop falling from the sky. It seems Santa’s landings and takeoffs are driving Homeland Security nuts (don’t expect a bottle of perfume under your tree, unless you want the 1.5 oz size). There is even talk of replacing Santa’s sleigh with one that runs on solar power . . . just what we need now, eight tiny reindeer out of work. Rudolph on the other hand has benefited from the elimination of the “don’t ask, don’t tell policy.”
Even Santa himself is not immune to criticism. A group of well-meaning elves has replaced all the food in the workshop cafeteria with only healthy choices (no cookies and only skim milk). And if Santa wants to smoke his pipe he has to find a spot on a chunk of ice that has been vacated by a polar bear. Santa’s cherry nose and penchant for letting out a chuckle now and then has sparked rumors of a drinking problem and an employee assistance program referral has been suggested.
Don’t let all this news depress you, it’s Christmas and Santa will be here this year and every year to come despite his troublesome elves. Even if Santa wanted to retire, the workshop is underwater and his 401(k) is still in the tank.
This too shall pass.